Do you ever have those days when you are getting a very direct message from all corners of your Universe and get it all at once?
Y’all, my word of the year, “Space,” is no accident.
I’m equal parts woo-woo girl (not to be confused with “whoo girls,” How I Met Your Mother Fans) and Lord-fearing lady, fascinated by divine energy and cosmic forces. We can wander down that conversation another time later, but the point is, there is “something” there that can neither be touched nor seen — but it can be felt. And OH HONEY, the longer you resist it, the deeper that feeling hits you, and more-so when you least expect it.
I’m not saying y’all have to believe me, but hear me out.
The last several months have been incredibly difficult. The worst/annoying part is it’s not for anything major; on the surface, everything was “fine.” We had a roof over our heads and food on the table. Our health was relatively good, our family was doing fine, and there were definitely some “high” points sprinkled in there. But there was that muddled sense of that “something” being off. I chalked it up to the forever lingering winter (yes, even here on Hilton Head it’s been cold and MEHHH for much longer than normal). But the truth was, I felt at odds with that “something” in my business, in my community, and that “who am I?” in the grand scheme of it. I hate that we put so much value on what we do and the impending titles and responsibilities that go with it, but truth is, that’s where I was. On the brink of something new and exciting while also very much feeling stuck and unable to keep up. I could hear my intuition screaming through that muddled “something,” but I became too exhausted to seek her out, to really even care.
I was the Captain of the Struggle Bus, and I was taking a one-way trip to Befuddled Town.
And yes, I was the Captain. No one else but me was steering that friggin’ bus. I was letting everyone and anything get on it, pretending they’d find their own places to depart along the route. But there I was, driving in circles with a whole lot of crazy.
(And yes, I know there aren’t “Captains” on busses, but it’s my metaphor, so we’ll just go with it.)
Worse, I felt like I wasn’t able to give that quality experience to the people who truly were put there to be on this journey with me, letting the noise and mounting needs overshadow their steadfast presence and the opportunities they so graciously affording me.
Everything felt like too much and not enough at the same time.
This past weekend at Mass, the gospel (John: 15), one I’d heard many times, suddenly seemed so poignant:
I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower.
He takes away every branch in me that does not bear fruit,
and every one that does He prunes so that it bears more fruit.
You are already pruned because of the word that I spoke to you.
The priest talked about how we’re “pruned” so that our strong, fruit-bearing branches can be even more robust and productive. These branches (us) need space to grow and time to develop. And it’s okay to let that “stuff”, that dead-weight go; He’s already taken care of it, for it no longer serves. The priest also gave the example of Michelango’s quote: “I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set it free.” That where most people see a hunk of material, the art of careful removal can reveal the true beauty hidden in there – and then become a real work of art.
This past weekend, too, was also a significant full moon in the Sun Sign calendar: Scorpio, or the “Pink Moon”. I’m not as much into the whole horoscope thing (although I am painfully spot-on with my Scorpio personality profile), but the idea of the sun and moon and stars and tides having these energy patterns is wildly fascinating and all too often coincidentally on-point. Supposedly, the energy around this particular full moon is one of great reveal and transformation – but only when we learn to let go of the metaphysical junk. The energy can’t fill those spaces if we keep them full of the crap: the worry, the guilt, the commitments yielding no results or joy, the jealousy, the “yes’s” that should’ve been “no thank you’s”, the control, the judgment, the fear-based decisions.
And between those two great messages were enough little signs and moments and conversations that could fill a whole other blog post, slowly chipping away at that muddy wall I had created around my intuition who was still screaming her little head off.
In a world that tells us to do more, to give more, to BE more, to experience more, to take on more… everything was telling me to pull back. To quit trying to figure everything out. To whole-ass the opportunities I told myself I wasn’t good enough for instead of half-assing a lot of things “in case they (the things I REALLY felt called to do) didn’t work out.” To believe in people. To quit waiting for some ridiculous sign and let the trust be enough. To gently tip my Captain’s hat to the characters that needed to finally get off on their stop and tell ’em to quit their free-loading.
To make space for the magic and people and moments so patiently waiting for their turn to enter.
And more importantly, the space to fearlessly be still.
And how exciting to know that even when I’m being the moody AF Scorpio, control freak, overcommitted Captain of the Crazy Bus that I know I can be, that The Big Guy is waiting with open arms with a smile and the Universe continues to ride along with us until we’re ready to say “thank you, friend – let’s DO this.”
To those of you who hung on for the ride amid the bumps and detours and chaos, I can’t thank you enough.
To those of you who waited until there was enough room on my Crazy Bus to share your journey with me, you’re appreciated so much.
To those of you who shared your love and were steadfast landmarks of trust, excitement, and “we GOT this,” I’m forever grateful.
To those of you reading this and thinking it’s time to start sculpting your life, I’ve got room on the Crazy Bus if you want to join.
To those of you reading this and think to yourself, “Yep, C has officially lost it,” you’re probably right – but honestly I’m not interested in going back to find “it” because I’m feeling pretty good for what’s next.
Hugs & High Fives, my friends.
Side note: Major shout out to my main squeeze, my comrade, my business partner, my dreamboat, and my eternal optimist, John. There is no greater joy than knowing you accept my special brand of enthusiasm and encourage me from a place of love, faith, adventure, and a helluva good cocktail. Here’s to a lifetime of gin-filled sunsets on the porch, handsome.